our breastfeeding journey
I write this as Marlow is just hitting five months of age and (touch wood) - I think we have cracked breastfeeding! It hasn’t been an easy skill to get the hang of (particularly getting established in the beginning) but it has been so rewarding. I never realised that something which should come so naturally, could also be so challenging. Prior to my pregnancy I always thought - 'yep, I’ll definitely breastfeed. No problem.’ I was oblivious to the fact that it is a skill which both the baby (and yourself) need to learn. It can be incredibly painful in the beginning, and there are a multitude of hiccups that come along with having your breasts fill up with milk on repeat. Having been lumped with mastitis twice, and painful blocked ducts I don’t know how many times, I think I am qualified to say - breastfeeding can be TOUGH!
This is my breastfeeding experience to date.
my experience
I want to begin by saying that this is such a divided topic amongst mothers, and I don’t advocate that breastfeeding is always the best. Our opinions are shaped by our own experiences - you don’t know what somebody else has been through, and therefore it is not fair to pass judgement on others, be critical or mean. I hope that by sharing my experience it might help someone who wants to persist if they are struggling, but I in no way believe that this is the right thing for everyone, nor that any mother is inadequate in choosing to bottle or formula feed their baby. We all parent differently and there is no single, correct way to do things. You have to do what is right for you, and your family and I am sure we are all doing a wonderful job.
During my pregnancy we tried ‘antenatal colostrum harvesting’. This is where you try to squeeze out and capture some precious little drops of that gold dust liquid produced during pregnancy and before your milk comes in on day three postnatally. Anything you manage to catch can be stored in a sterile syringe in the freezer, until the baby arrives. The idea is to take the pressure off those first few days, when you are trying to establish feeding, and having heard a little about it I thought why not? Turns out it wasn't a skill which I excelled at (quite like expressing postnatally). I was RUBBISH at it. Luckily Ryan turned out to be a pro and we managed to fill a small syringe. We proudly brought this into hospital in a bag filled with ice (on arrival simply tell staff to pop it straight into their fridge) - and found it surprisingly useful when I struggled at the start. Although it might seem a little strange, being “milked” before the baby arrives... trust me it is nothing compared to how man-handled you will feel trying to establish feeds once the baby arrives, and on the plus side it gave Ryan an opportunity to bond and feed Marlow.
Honestly though, those early days are such a blur I can barely remember the details of breastfeeding (I’ve written about our hospital stay here). I do remember that she was given a small cup of formula to help her vomit up some mucus, we used our entire syringe of colostrum in the first day, and I struggled to nurse her due to difficulty latching and a very sleepy baby.
We had advice coming at us from all angles - from midwifes, the Bambi’s team, and health care assistants. All sense of modesty went out of the window and my breasts were “massaged” by a number of strangers. Before I was pregnant I would have been embarrassed and shocked at that thought, but trust me - if you are trying to feed a hungry baby you'll take all the help and guidance you can get! My breastfeeding experience in the first week was a culmination of harvesting colostrum into syringes, scattered attempts at nursing and a fair bit of frustration.
When we were discharged home, the Bambi’s team and my community midwife were very supportive BUT there came a point where no further tips could help. We had tried all the positions, all the techniques, and the main problem was waking our jaundiced, sleepy baby. We were splashing her with cold water, holding her in front of a cold fan, tickling her toes, stripping her off, blowing on her face and she STILL wouldn’t rouse. When we did manage to wake her and establish a latch, she would soon doze off again and we would have to start all over again. Feeding sessions were taking up to two hours+ … with an hour on each breast and sometimes a further hour to get her latched. We were told this was likely due to high levels of bilirubin in her bloodstream, causing her yellow-tinge and drowsy demeanour. The only solution was to lay her in the sunshine (like a little baby sunflower), feed as often as possible (encouraging plenty of nappy changes to flush out the bilirubin) and wait it out.
At her first couple of weigh sessions in the first week she followed a downward trend from her birth weight. Our midwife advised us to top up with expressed breast milk after each feed (to ensure she was getting at least an ounce per session). Trying to fit in three square meals for us, sleep, establish breastfeeding, while expressing and bottle feeding all in one day turned out to be incredibly challenging, and even more stress inducing! We went out and panic-purchased a top of the range breast pump (with a hefty price tag to match) - only to discover I was TERRIBLE at expressing. We ended up resorting to top-ups with Aptamil formula and cut out all the time we were wasting on pumping in between feeds.
Marlow lost over a pound in weight (around 14% of her birth weight). Although it is normal for a newborn to drop weight and Marlow was clearly healthy and happy - it’s advised in our area that any baby who loses over 10% of their birth weight be admitted to the local children’s hospital. Our midwife aptly recognised that she was a well baby, and recommended we attend the local GP first in a bid to avoid hospital - however, our general practitioner wanted to err on the side of caution and sent us off to the accident and emergency department. We spent an entire day waiting for consultations which meant once again we hadn’t managed to express or top up feeds. I was feeling stressed, tired and emotional as we waited, (particularly as I was just overcoming my first bout of mastitis). Ryan stripped Marlow off to be examined and she peed all over his chest (one of her favourite tricks when naked). The wonderful Paediatrician agreed that she was well and sent us on our way with a caution to continue monitoring her weight and topping up after feeds. He congratulated us on how well we were doing, and it gave us a new vigour to keep going.
This was the point we thought RIGHT! That’s it - we are doing it our way now. We stopped using the pump, stopped asking everyone for advice, topped up with formula for a week and before long she was slowly gaining weight and creeping back onto the centile chart. She’s still on the small side, but we are both totally OK with that.
Just when we got Marlow sorted out and she began to get the hang of nursing - I was hit with a second bout of mastitis. It unhelpfully occurred the night before Ryan went back to work. He must have had two hours sleep that night before his first day back; I was delirious throughout the night and Ryan had to feed her with formula from the bottle. If you haven’t experienced mastitis before - it feels like a horrific flu! I was achey, with a fever and breasts that were red, enlarged, warm to touch and excruciatingly painful. My mother-in-law came over first thing the following morning and between the two of us and a course of antibiotics I was feeling on the mend by the time Ryan came home from work.
To date, I still occasionally get milk blebs visible in my nipples and engorgement making nursing painful. I (inadvisedly) pierce these with a sharp needle and let Marlow feed straight after doing so in order to clear the blockage, but I highly doubt my solution is medically recommended! It took me five months to reach the conclusion that everybody is different; some people are prone to blockages and blebs, while others sail through and could fill buckets with expressed milk. I’ve accepted my body, my limitations and learnt not to compare myself to others, and I finally feel happy and proud of what we have achieved together.
Tips for getting started
If you really want to breastfeed and it is right for you - persist, BUT - do not do this at the expense of your mental health.
If you are finding it too difficult to breastfeed, too painful, it doesn’t feel right for you or you simply don’t want to, don’t let other people pressure you to do so. It is a choice, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to formula feed or bottle feed your baby. The most important thing is for you to be happy and comfortable and if establishing breastfeeding is stressing you out unnecessarily - that certainly doesn’t benefit your child. If you do want to do it, and you feel able and supported to do so, keep going. I found it got easier with time, and although I came very close to packing it in I look back and I am glad I carried on.
Try not to stress.
The production of milk is linked to the body’s production of oxytocin (which if you practiced hypnobirthing in your pregnancy - you will recognise as the ‘happy hormone’. You can’t produce adrenaline (produced when you are stressed) at the same time as oxytocin - so try not to stress. Furthermore, your baby is very in tune with your emotions… which means the more anxious you are, the more unsettled your baby might be. It is sometimes hard to get on top of anxiety, but try to remember that in those early days in particular your baby has enough brown fat to supplement any colostrum they aren’t getting, and if you familiarise yourself with signs of dehydration to watch out for, you can allow yourselves time to get established whilst keeping an eye out for any sinister symptoms.
Try different positions.
For the first week after Marlow was born I preferred to nurse lying down because it was painful to sit after my episiotomy. I later learnt the sitting position (with the help of a pregnancy pillow). If you live locally, the Bambi’s team in Liverpool are wonderful and will make house calls if you are struggling. They’ll watch your baby latch and feed, teach you alternative positions for nursing, provide advice, and will happily continue to support you as long as required.
Stock up on a pack of Multi Mam Compresses and Lansinoh cream.
You can buy them from your local chemist and I needed them so much as we got established in the beginning. The compresses can be kept in the fridge to cool them and cut in two (as each sheet is larger than required); you simply place it over the nipple inside your bra. Each sheet is covered in a soothing gel which helps with sore nipples and aid healing if the nipples have cracked. Lansinoh does a similar job in a cream form.
Mastitis is AWFUL - if you come down with it, no doubt you will feel GROTTY. Mastitis is caused by a blockage in the milk ducts which causes milk to back up in the breast. Your milk is delicious, and bacteria LOVE IT, which unfortunately results in a feeding ground for them and an infection for you. At the first signs of red, sore, engorged breasts head to your local general practitioner. You’ll often need a dose of antibiotics to recover and these have to be taken four times a day for at least a week - but you can seek comfort in the fact that they work pretty quickly. Keep feeding as frequently as you can bear to empty that backed up milk and clear the blockage. I often needed to hand express when it happened to me as Marlow couldn’t seem to clear the deeper ducts.
Be mentally prepared that no matter how much you might want to breastfeed it may still be challenging.
Surround yourself by people who will support you in your goal and distance yourself from those who provide unhelpful comments, pressure or unwanted advice. I couldn't have done this with Ryan by my side to bring me hot drinks, food, hugs, support and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on.
Feel free to share comments, questions or your own experiences below, but please be kind to others and keep this positive.